Honestly, between you and I...I hate them. Chemicals, colors, crap you don't find naturally. Synthetic help. Superficial help??? I wonder. Here is my most recent rant:
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One might as, if your medications make you better, and more "normal"..why would you ever stop taking them? Well here is one example:
Some of the medications used to treat mental illness, and even Fibromyalgia ( my own conditions ), they are quite simply, brain altering medications. Short term...no biggie. Long term...buyer beware!! And I even found out another new one, if you stop taking some of them instantly (completely UNadvisable), they may not be as effective when you resume taking them again. No happy medium there hey. As a result, some of the ones I take, even just for my FMS, come with cognitive issues (decreased brain activity, or decrease intelligence if you will). So I have to ask myself, are the benefits worth the long term implications? For my well being, and those around me, sometimes that answer is undeniable, YES. With a chronic pain condition, I take not one, but two medications, that dull my nerve sensory pain, and that's great, right? Are the long term effects worth that? And what happens if they stop working, and all I am left with, IS the side effects of such. My pain could be for a lifetime, at one level or another. So I will always struggle with this decision. Now maybe you have some insight as to why some people that already know better, stop taking their medication. We simply want to be "normal" on our own terms. Sometimes, you have no choice, but to accept a different you, to reach your goal, of a healthy you. Would you give up the one thing that makes you Unique, that makes you You...to spare yourself, and your loved ones, the grief and stress of "our" illness. If you love them, yes you would. And unlike me, hopefully before too much damage has happened to such relationships. So while I know I might be a "high functioning lunatic" (my Dr's and Therapist don't like that expression, lol), I do need to dial it down a bit, to co exist in my world, and with those I love. But I will still continue my search for the natural, and the cognitive skills, to ease my symptoms, and still be the best me I can. My eyes are wide open to who I am, what I deal with, and what I take...and the possible consequences. We know we may be a touch crazy...but we are not stupid! :-)
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And some excerpts from a conversation with a friend..along the same subject....
"My Dr. mentioned to DH (Darling Husband) and I...that the condition, and some medications, when they work it's great, but when stopped, you may always have the heightened sensory pain, you took it to avoid." While this may or may not be the case, the possibility is not pleasing.
....knowing some are brain altering drugs, the fear of long term consequences, have me always searching for a way to go off. Wouldn't you? Do I function better physically and mentally, on them? Yes...but knowing some of my conditions will be for a lifetime...not Priceless.
Conversation continued....
"yep, that is exactly what they tried to put me on years ago, an anti depressant. At that time, I was not, (or didn't think I was) depressed. So to me, this made no sense. Why would I take something, for a symptom I didn't have? By the time I did give in (15 years later), my pain and life events and anxiety, left me no option at that time. I had to go on a short medical leave to even go on them. My anxiety of such medications, was such, that I had to first take a medication with a sedative effect, for 2 weeks, to build it up in my system, to be able to take the one they really wanted me on, without scaring the daylights out of myself, and at that time, my poor son's along for the ride. The unfairness of that still irks me, and has cost me. That's a story for another time.
I spent the better part of a couple of months, pretty much blitzed on medication. Was I mellow as a result? I sure was..but maybe too mellow, I'd have to ask people I no longer have in my life. I think over the next couple of years, I was still blitzed to some extent, but feeling too well to know better, or care. I did lower some of the doses over time, and felt more alert in comparison. But then I decided to go back to school, and take a full time College course. My lowered cognitive ability, then became a problem. That is when I was made aware, that it wasn't just my age that stunted my ability to absorb knowledge, but also some of my medications. That began my desire to change medications, and go off of some if I could. I have always valued myself as a creative and business like mind, and a sharp, witty one at that. It's my special talent, my special power. Would I give up my special powers, to be a better, healthier me? or do I stick with the regimen that makes me easier on my loved ones? Well if you know me, that's a no brainer...Make it easier on my loved ones first and foremost. So I continue my journey for a better balance of medication and nature, to be the best me, without paying too high a price.
And some excerpts from a conversation with a friend..along the same subject....
"My Dr. mentioned to DH (Darling Husband) and I...that the condition, and some medications, when they work it's great, but when stopped, you may always have the heightened sensory pain, you took it to avoid." While this may or may not be the case, the possibility is not pleasing.
....knowing some are brain altering drugs, the fear of long term consequences, have me always searching for a way to go off. Wouldn't you? Do I function better physically and mentally, on them? Yes...but knowing some of my conditions will be for a lifetime...not Priceless.
Conversation continued....
"yep, that is exactly what they tried to put me on years ago, an anti depressant. At that time, I was not, (or didn't think I was) depressed. So to me, this made no sense. Why would I take something, for a symptom I didn't have? By the time I did give in (15 years later), my pain and life events and anxiety, left me no option at that time. I had to go on a short medical leave to even go on them. My anxiety of such medications, was such, that I had to first take a medication with a sedative effect, for 2 weeks, to build it up in my system, to be able to take the one they really wanted me on, without scaring the daylights out of myself, and at that time, my poor son's along for the ride. The unfairness of that still irks me, and has cost me. That's a story for another time.
I spent the better part of a couple of months, pretty much blitzed on medication. Was I mellow as a result? I sure was..but maybe too mellow, I'd have to ask people I no longer have in my life. I think over the next couple of years, I was still blitzed to some extent, but feeling too well to know better, or care. I did lower some of the doses over time, and felt more alert in comparison. But then I decided to go back to school, and take a full time College course. My lowered cognitive ability, then became a problem. That is when I was made aware, that it wasn't just my age that stunted my ability to absorb knowledge, but also some of my medications. That began my desire to change medications, and go off of some if I could. I have always valued myself as a creative and business like mind, and a sharp, witty one at that. It's my special talent, my special power. Would I give up my special powers, to be a better, healthier me? or do I stick with the regimen that makes me easier on my loved ones? Well if you know me, that's a no brainer...Make it easier on my loved ones first and foremost. So I continue my journey for a better balance of medication and nature, to be the best me, without paying too high a price.
Once upon a time, the gym and my strict healthy diet, was my medicine. And for a long time, that worked well. I let those good habits eventually dissolve. The good news is, I KNOW it worked, so if I am patient and dedicated, I can get most of the way back there.
"When I finally had to go on a cocktail of medication, I became very resentful deep down. Unfortunately, it took me over a decade, to realize that simmered deep within me. I resented my own self, my kids, my doctor, my Mother and even my brothers. Why me? (My youngest son asked the same thing out loud, when diagnosed with a lifelong physical condition.) I can only realize all of this now, in the clearing of the fog I wandered in for a long time. I did manage to learn to cope, but I let my pain change who I was, for a very long time. I didn't WANT pills...I hated pills...I watched my Mother take them..and what it did to her, and how it changed her, and how sometimes, it changed her so much...I wondered if my Mom was still in there. My fear of repeating her mental illness, and following decline on harsh medications, had me ask of my 2nd husband, to shoot me if I ever became that ill, or so ill I had to take those kinds of medication. Of course, he would never have done such a thing. But desperation, or fear, can create us in the image of creatures, we could not have fathomed at one point.
This has been a very long, and trying and tiring journey for me. I first walked it with my Mother, a long and exhausting path. Now I walk it myself, and sadly, without her experience to guide me. But I have instead, had the good fortune of "new family" coming into my life, as friends, to include in my "Family by Design", so that I am never truly alone on my journey. No matter how anyone has wrong me, or I have perceived them as having wronged me, I would NEVER wish my Medical Journey on even my worst enemy, not Physically or Mentally. Be grateful for good mental health, be grateful for good physical health, and not having to live on pills to cope. Be very, very grateful, if you are reading this out of interest, or in support of me, and not for personal reference, to cope with anything similar. If carrying my burdens, somehow means, sparing someone else...I will do so gladly.
